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| I woke up 5 minutes before Japanese. Needless to say, I didn't get a shower. Result - hair like this:
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| When given the choice, I'd take the single room handicap bathrooms over the many-stalled. | | |
| I've just had an epiphany. I'm alive so I'll stop complaining. | | |
| I've always been a what-if'er. | | |
| I purposely slept through all my classes the last two days. I had this paper due on Tuesday for English but I didn't write it, and I have English again tomorrow, but I'm not gonna write it again. You know, I just don't feel like it. That's a really bad reason, but it's my own self that's the issue here. I mean, if it was hurting someone else or something, I wouldn't hesitate to act immediatly. But it's only me, so I don't care. That's probably not the best, but I don't want to hear it. I'm not in the mood for that. All I ever get is all this pressure to become a robot and output your best constantly. I need a bloody freaking break. I hate college sometimes. I have plenty of other things on my mind to worry about, I don't need all this extra school crap on top of that. I think it'll be good to take off next semester. I don't know if stuff will ever get off my mind, though. Who knows? I figure sometime, I'm just gonna break. I'm gonna crash and burn and get hurt really bad. I mean, really bad. But who knows when that'll happen. I really don't think I'll mind, though. I'm so sick of things. I don't like PSU but I don't really think I'll like back home. I hate living at home, with my parents always on my freaking case. At least I won't have any freaking homework, except my parents'll be like "Now that you're living at home again and since you don't have homework, you have to do all this crap to make up for it." God, life is really awesome sometimes. You never get a freaking break, ever. At least, it seems like that. There's no possible way you can focus on school, God, girls, personal productive time (like reading or drawing), and personal waste time (like games). It's so freaking stupid. Oh yeah, and sleep. I usually just cut sleep and all. This guy at New Life the other night—that's this Christian thing I'm in up here—was a guest speaker and he was saying "treat school like an 8 to 5. Wake up 2 hours before classes (so if you have class at 10, wake up at 8) so you have time to go to the library and study. Inbetween classes, study more. Don't fool around. Only take a break for lunch and stuff. When classes are over, say, about 3 or so, then go back and do all your homework and study more. Don't study after 9, because you need some time to yourself. Oh, and remember to get 8 hours of sleep."... I'm like... screw you. You know, I need more than 3 freaking hours to do things besides school. That's freaking 13 hours of studying, 3 hours of w/e, 8 hours of sleep. The guy got like a freaking 3.99 GPA but i'm not selling my freaking soul to work for four years. God, that makes me just freaking sick thinking about it. It is not possible to do all of this. But you gotta. You can't live without any of that. I mean, technically, you can live without school. So I'm cutting that for a semester. But I don't think living back at home's gonna be any better. I mean, even though I'll have friends, I won't get to see them all the time like back in high school. Here at PSU I can go hang out with friends whenever (except, lately, Katie has been having a ton of homework and she's been super busy and basically only has like an hour of free time a day and needs to spend it "alone," so i've been freaking sitting in my room like 24/7. I'm so freaking messed up. I only have one friend.), and i hang out with them til crazy hours of the night. I haven't hung out with Katie lately though like any time past like 1 or 2. I totally miss those 5, 6, and 7 AM nights with her. She says she can't do it. I can't not do it. I mean, it's like, things like that that make you feel alive. Just saying SCREW YOU to life and doing what you want and not what people tell you is freaking reasonable or w/e. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of fitting in and getting by and living the life that people advise you to live. I wanna live my own freaking life, I wanna push boundaries, I wanna go out and do things. But I'm so freaking restricted. The laws of life itself hold me back. Like, it really is impossible to balance all those things at once. I feel amazingly pressured to be doing productive things. And, I'm in the mood a lot of the time to like sit down and read or go draw or go make things, but... I dont know. I feel like I have to, or I'm wasting my life and someday I'm gonna get judged on it or something. God, its so messed up. I don't even know what to do. I'm so lost and confused, but I'm sick of people saying the same old crap about what to do like "Just go to school. Forget girls. Stop playing games. Just focus on your work. Blah blah blah." It's all crap. I can't just forget the things in life that make you feel alive. I mean, yes, I can skip games. I don't need them. And girls... I just say that cause most of my friends are girls, but what I really mean is friends, and hopefully a gf. I like gfs because I really like having close relationships to people. Ive like never had any close friends. I want people that I can just go do insane things with, that would like give up whatever they're doing to help you or do something with you, no matter how freaking crazy it is. That's how I am now. If one of you was like "To Hell with it, I'm going across the country. You wanna come?" I wouldn't even reply cause i'd already be off packing. I'm that kind of guy that would give it all up for people. I've met like no one else like that. At least, I don't realize it. Or I don't acknowledge it. Everyone else is still so chained to this world, they allow these restrictions to hold them in. They've sold themselves to school or work or just "being reasonable" or something like that. Look, I can be reasonable. I know what's real and what's not, it's just, at this point, I need to just break out of it, even if it's just for a bit. Then I think I can come back and just be OK with school or something else. Maybe I could finally relax. But right now, if I don't do something, I'm going to go crazy. Seriously, I already am going crazy. It makes me want to cry. If my roommate wasn't right next to me, I probably would. I don't even know what to do. I'm so unhappy and lost and in some hole and I don't know what to do. I just finished reading the Catcher in the Rye. It's like, everything I'm going through, Holden did too. Seriously, like, I'd be talking about something that was on my mind or something about society or people or something I just wanna do, then the next day I would read about it in Catcher. It was crazy. It makes me feel a little better that there's a book out there for me. But it didn't really have some solution for it all. Gosh, get me out of here. Get me out of this life. There's this song I love called Mad World. My favorite line is the chorus: "and I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had." So true. | | |
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